Imposter syndrome. It’s real, and it’s heavy. I’ve felt it a lot lately. I don’t feel like I’ve had any success with art over the last few years. At least not in the way I had planned, or the way I had dreamed I would. I started the year with the greatest of plans. I had a structure and a set of goals. And now here we are. It’s the start of October, and I feel like my entire year has gone by without me accomplishing a single thing.
I realize that I’ve done things that could resemble success for many. I’ve created some really great pieces and churned out some really fun ideas. I’ve had a couple of incredible commissions and some pieces came together that I never thought I would create. But this isn’t about those things - this is about the internal. The goals I set for myself and how I am so far away from where I thought I should be by now. It feels like I’ve been circling the drain and throwing around the same questions in my mind for years. And instead of finding any answers or making progress, I keep getting more and more tangled up in the web of self-doubt.
The thing that’s bugging me today is the thought of how much time has gone by without accomplishing even 10% of what I had hoped to do this year. Earlier this week, I started looking at my goals for 2025 so I could start planning for 2026, and it was just a real slap in the face. I feel like I should be further along. I know I could have made more progress and been better at all of this if I could just focus.
Focus. Who knows how to do that anymore, right? I’ve had days lately where I look at my work, and even though I’m so proud of something when it’s completed, when I look at it again weeks later, I feel defeated. Suddenly I see everything wrong with it and I wonder why I’m not better. I know I could be better at painting if I would shut down and focus on my skills. I know I could be better at drawing if I would dedicate time to taking more classes. If I just put all of my focus into one thing, I know I could be incredible at it. But that’s never been me. It’s not who I am. I like trying things. I like wandering in my brain and experimenting with new mediums and subjects. I love the process of learning. I never set out to be “the best” at something, but somehow not being great at everything I try seems to wear on me. I know I could be better. I know I should be better. And yet I’m not.
When I started sharing my art with the world, portraits were my singular focus. That’s how many of my original audience found me - sports portraits. Chances are, if you’ve been here since before 2020, you know me because of sports art. Portraits used to be it for me…until they weren’t. Somewhere along the line (coincidentally it lines up well with the end of the Blackhawks era and the disappointing Cubs seasons post-World Series) I lost the love for them. It felt repetitive and boring. I didn’t have the chance to be creative anymore. Everyone wanted me to be their own personal art copy machine, and I didn’t want that. I left portraits behind, but I wasn’t sure where to go from there. I thought they were boring, and maybe I was just burnt out on them. Maybe I was just…done with them completely. But if not a portrait artist, who was I? I was forced to really reinvent myself to allow my creativity back in. I started painting. I started drawing different subjects. I started doing more abstract art and trying out new things - acrylic, oils, pastels, mixed media, inks - I learned more about what I really loved and what I didn’t. And guess what - I started to miss portraits again. So I started doing a few once again. But of course, when you don’t do something for a long time, your skills tend to disappear. So when I decided to do a few portraits, guess what - I had taken twelve steps back.
So here I was, re-learning how to draw portraits the way I did before. Learning how to work with acrylic. Learning how to work with oils. Learning and learning and beginning. Even though I’ve been at this for over 20 years, it feels like Groundhog Day. I feel like I’m starting over every time I pick up a brush or a pencil. I never truly get to a place where I feel like I’m continuing or building on what I know. Every piece feels like I am starting out for the first time. It’s as if the years and years of work prior to this just stopped counting. I see other artists who I know or ones who I follow, and I cheer for their progress. I see them growing, advancing, improving their craft and selling out art shows. They’re achieving their dreams (and I’m so fucking proud of them, don’t get me wrong), but here I am, just stuck in this loop of “starting over, building a little, feeling defeated and giving up.” I hate that I can’t break free from that loop of doom. I hate that I’m comparing my progress and my work to that of others, but I am. And it’s hard not to when you’ve worked for 20+ years.
And lately, I’ve been really feeling the weight. Old ideas and doubts that I thought I’d buried are coming back. The self doubt and fear is creeping up with old memories resurfacing, people from my past showing up when I thought I’d banished them forever, bad habits settling in all over again. Watching people who I know have lied, cheated and stolen their way to the top celebrating success they didn’t work for is hard. It makes me wonder, “why not me?” And I have to remind myself that it’s because I have integrity and work ethic (and zero desire to cheat my way to the top.) and I also have to remember that my life has taken on different forms over the years. So the weight of it all - moving, job changing, family shifts, parenting, the collapse of American society (hello all of my fellow sensitive souls…) - I don’t know, it just feels like I’ve lost a lot of who I am along the way. It’s like I don’t even recognize who I am anymore. The girl who had all of that potential so many years ago doesn’t even feel like the same person anymore.
I’m constantly going back and forth between “should I even bother creating anymore” and “maybe I should quit my job to pursue art full time.” It’s never somewhere in the middle for me, even though the reality of life is that I need to BE somewhere in that middle. I can’t seem to find a middle ground that feels like it’s feeding my desire for a creative outlet AND sustainable living. Honestly, it's getting rough. I sit here in the middle, pulled between two extremes, not really wanting to be on either side. I’m trying to make peace and find some sweet spot in the middle, but I never feel like I’m any closer to success. Am I doing this? Am I not? Am I even good enough to bother continuing?
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